i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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