I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
