Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
