i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He passed out mid-signature
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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