I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
