I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize