as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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