i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
