So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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