I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
