You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
