Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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