I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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