Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
