You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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