did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
