Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
