Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
