Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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