What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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