A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
