last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
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