defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
