get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
