I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
