I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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