If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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