My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
