i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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