I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
