I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
