I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
