I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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