When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
