Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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