I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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