if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
