My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
