I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
