Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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