I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
