Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
