I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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