i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
