Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
