I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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