This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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