I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
