Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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