i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize
